


Echoes of a Shadow

by ev_soul14



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Canonical Child Abuse, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, F/F, Lesbian Disaster Adora (She-Ra), Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ev_soul14/pseuds/ev_soul14
Summary: Etheria is safe. Adora is working her way throughout the galaxy to restore magic to other planets. The Fright Zone no longer exists. Most of all, Shadow Weaver is gone. Life in Catra's new home should be perfect. Why, then, does Catra still feel so on edge and paranoid? With Adora away on another mission, it is up to Glimmer and Bow to decide what is happening: is Catra reverting back to her destructive self, or is something more going on?An exploration of trauma and the lifelong effect it can have.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47





	Echoes of a Shadow

_"Such a disappointment. Why am I not surprised?"_

_Pain exploded in every region of Catra's small body. She knew that to scream would be futile. Besides, Adora would hear it and worry about her. She didn't want her friend to feel guilty for what was happening. After all, she deserved to be punished. That was what Shadow Weaver always said to her, anyway. Catra was getting to be at the age where she was starting to believe it. She was worthless, useless, and a mistake. She couldn't help but remember the fact that the only reason she even survived this long is because Adora made Shadow Weaver take her into the Horde in the first place. Otherwise, she would be long dead due to starvation._

Catra sat on the balcony, her tail twitching slowly. The stars were comforting. After seeing nothing but empty skies when she grew up in the Fright Zone, it was a nice change. However, there was another reason she was outside again. Adora had taken off into space some several days ago, and she was anticipating her love's return from another planetary mission. If magic got restored to the whole universe, Adora had explained, then all the planets could have life again, and they wouldn't be so alone among the stars. Catra had had enough of space, not that anyone besides Entrapta was invited on her excursion. Entrapta wasn't invited either, but she tended to invite herself to whatever felt convenient for her. Personally, Catra felt that the purple haired weirdo missed Darla.

_I miss Adora._

Of course, she would never admit this to Sparkles and her sidekick Bow. She tried to busy herself with walks around Bright Moon or training out back, where Adora had attempted her transformation back in the early days. It wasn't until she discovered the library somewhere in the massive castle that she found a new hobby: learning. She decided to learn about dreams, because she sure was having a lot of them. However, she didn't really understand what she was reading. Hitting a wall, she tried to think of someone who'd know about the world of sleep. Castaspella, Glimmer's even weirder aunt, probably would have an idea, but the thought of opening up to someone besides Adora made her hair stand up on end.

"Catra!"

Glimmer's voice was suddenly behind her. She jumped and hissed, focusing her mismatched eyes on the Queen of Bright Moon. Although the past few months have been rather peaceful, there was still a hesitation to trust on all sides. Catra prefered it that way. She wouldn't like it at all if people acted like nothing had happened, and no mistakes had been made at all.

"What do you want?" Catra tried not to sound annoyed. Breathe. Control the anger. There wasn't a fight happening.

"Dinner's ready if you're hungry."

"Um...thanks." The word felt unnatural, but it was the right thing to say, supposedly. She slid off the banister, landing silently on her bare feet. It felt strange to just be looking at Glimmer instead of fighting her, but the instinct still rose up in her sometimes if someone made a sudden movement, and this was not exclusive to the princesses of the Rebellion. Following Glimmer to the dining room, Catra gave herself a moment to remember the incident with Frosta a couple days ago while training alone outside.

_"Hah, hah!" Her claws were as strong as ever. She felt almost herself again when she was out here fighting. Most of the time she pictured Shadow Weaver or Hordack as she slashed her claws at the air or occasional tree or plant. The briefest memory of her brilliant sparring at the Princess Prom came to mind. Too bad she and Adora were at odds when that happened, because the moment they danced was so--_

_"Hey, Catra!"_

_"Agh!" Startled, she kicked at the source of the noise, sending Frosta flying into a bush._

_"Hey!" Frosta yelled indignantly. "What's the big idea?"_

_"I'm...I'm sorry!" Catra stammered. "I didn't know it was you!" She took off running on all fours, leaving Frosta alone with her injuries rather than dealing with the fact that she hurt someone. Again. It seemed to be the only thing that she was good at doing. All she was good for, really. Oh, if only Adora was here!_

"Something on your mind?" Bow inquired as Catra stared at her plate. "You've been awfully quiet ever since Adora left in Mara's ship." Was it really that obvious? She tried her best to avoid everyone so no one could tell what she was really thinking.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." She insisted. She abandoned the table, knowing that her appetite had left in Adora's absence. 

"Aren't you hungry?" Glimmer asked through a mouthful of food.

"No, I'm okay." Catra brushed her off. "I'm going out." This castle felt too full with ghosts everywhere. Sometimes she saw a much younger Adora. Sometimes she saw Shadow Weaver hurting her. It seemed the dreams had snuck into the waking world. It made no sense to her. Running through the halls made it worse, so she kept at a slow walk, struggling to make sense of what was happening.

"Catra?" A hand on her shoulder made her react on instinct. _Stop touching me!_

"Leave me alone!" Her claws slashed out at whatever was behind her. Glimmer cried out in surprise and pain, not expecting the attack.

"Catra, stop, it's me!" Glimmer held a hand to her bleeding cheek. "What is going on? You attacked Frosta outside and now me. Yes, she told me what happened." Catra clenched her fists, shame rising in her chest. "Catra, talk to me. I know Adora isn't here, but you can trust me."

"No I can't," Catra spit at her. "You probably think I'm turning evil again, don't you? I heard you and Bow talking this morning." Glimmer hesitated, not looking at her. Neither of them had really talked about the journey she had taken to finally start making good choices. After a moment, Glimmer made eye contact again, managing a sad smile. Catra did not want her righteous pity, but she resisted the urge to say so.

"Bow and I don't always agree on certain things." Glimmer appeared to be choosing her words carefully. "He's still having a hard time trusting my judgement after what I did with the Heart of Etheria. I don't blame him. I could have destroyed everyone with it. Then Horde Prime showed up and made everything worse. And just because things are better now, it doesn't erase what I did."

"What's your point?" Catra asked warily. She smoothed out her tail, something she found that she needed to do more often lately.

"I know the road to doing better and getting forgiveness isn't easy, so of course your instinct is going to be to lash out. But you need to be more careful, Catra. You're hurting people." Glimmer offered one last smile before walking away. Catra had no idea what to make of this new version of Glimmer. She was so much...older. Sadder. Mature, even. She didn't fool around nearly as much, and she appeared to have a weight on her shoulders constantly. With her mother gone, she had way more responsibility now. Catra struggled to shove the guilt down.

That night, the dreams were back and making it impossible to sleep. Every night, it was something new. She wished she could forget everything, even if it was only for a day or two. That fake reality in the portal was the happiest she had ever been. Finding out it wasn't real hurt more than Adora leaving in the first place. Her entire world felt so much darker. And now? Catra had what she wanted, but so many pieces of her were still missing that she had no idea that if it was worth it. She was convinced that being left with Horde Prime was how things were meant to end. Adora only felt sorry for her. There was no actual feelings there. What happened in the Heart...was a fluke. Surely. They hadn't discussed a thing since then, because almost immediately after the war ended, She-Ra was needed on other planets. Glimmer had her own work to do, and Bow was rekindling his relationship with his family. Whenever someone asked what Catra wanted to do, she avoided the question.

She found herself in the library once again, searching for answers. After leafing through several books, she gave up. None of this made sense to her. Adora would probably know. Even if she didn't, she always found a way to get answers. Usually that meant punching people. Something told her, however, that violence was not going to solve this particular problem. These dreams...they were about her life. Things that happened to her. Even though she was no longer in danger of being hurt by anyone, she still felt like the other shoe was about to drop at any moment.

Perhaps she was right, though, and something terrible, like she truly deserved, was about to happen. Feeling determined now, Catra made her way outside. The guards tended to ignore her because she essentially had free reign of the castle. On her way to her usual thinking spot, she passed by Shadow Weaver's old garden. She paused, wondering if she should take a look. There was a small part of her that thought it was a bad idea. So of course she ignored it.

The garden was all dead with no one to care for it. There were several broken cups that had the faint scent of alcohol coming off them. Catra also took notice of the residue of magic lingering among everything. She was familiar with how it felt by now, having spent so much time around the princesses. However, the sour scent of Shadow Weaver was still the strongest thing in this room. Being a cat, there was a subtle difference between the scent of someone that was alive and someone that was dead. Death had a rotten sort of aura attached to it, and the places the once alive person roamed eventually became a neutral scent again. Shadow Weaver had died months ago, but her presence still lingered quite strongly. Maybe it's because she was so powerful. Or maybe Catra was just so in tune with her parent figure that the scent just appeared to still have its hold on this place. She had no idea what the truth was.

Turning away from the garden, Catra headed to her usual training spot. No more getting side tracked. She had to be ready for the next threat that came along. It wasn't until it was nearly dawn that she finally began to feel tired. She curled up under the nearest tree and fell asleep, her last thoughts of Adora and wondering where she could be at now.

* * *

"Oh, good morning." It took several minutes for Catra to realize that she didn't sleep in her room last night, but outside. She got to her feet and stretched. King Micah was standing before her. "My daughter said she was looking for you. She got contact from Adora about an hour ago." Catra ran on all fours into the castle. _AdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdoraAdora-_

"Whoa, easy!" Bow stumbled out of the way. "Are you looking for Glimmer? She's in the meeting room." Catra skidded to a halt and shifted directions clumsily. It seemed like an eternity later when she made it to her destination. Glimmer had Adora's face up on Bow's trackpad.

"So when will you be home?"

"We're almost done here, so we should be heading back in the morning."

"I know a shortcut back to Etheria!" Entrapta cut in, forcing herself into view. "These planets are so far apart, but there is this amazing thing called a wormhole that can cut our journey time down to almost nothing! Hahaha, isn't that great?" _Shut up, I wanna talk to Adora._

"Oh, Catra's here!" Glimmer chirped. "Do you want to talk to her, Adora?"

"Sure, I have a minute." Catra snatched the trackpad from the Queen, her heart thudding wildly. 

"H-hey, Adora." She smiled awkwardly as she gave her standard greeting.

"Hi! I'll be back in a couple days. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, don't worry about me. Are you having fun in space?"

"Yes, actually." Adora smiled. Catra felt like the whole planet had stopped spinning for a moment, or perhaps that was just her breathing. "I wish I could keep doing this, but I can't save the whole universe. Even She-Ra has her limits. So I told the Star Siblings what they had to do in order to restore life here, and let them know that the message had to get passed on to the nearby planets, then those planets had to do the same, and so on. I've got enough work cut out for me on Etheria."

"You're coming home?" Catra's ears perked up, but she didn't want to hope too much yet.

"Yep, this is my last space trip for awhile. I've had enough of this tin can of a spaceship." _Good, because I miss you so-_

"You better hurry because I've had enough of Sparkles thinking she can pet me whenever she wants."

"That was one time!" Glimmer said indignantly. "Bow dared me to."

"Ugh, anyway. Get home soon before I change my mind and throw you further into space myself." Adora gave her characteristic ridiculous smile in return before ending the space call.

"She misses you too, she told me." Glimmer beamed at her. "I know you needed to talk to her."

"Thanks." Catra smiled awkwardly. "Really. I'll, uh, leave you to whatever it is you were doing."

"I was hoping to talk to you actually." _Oh for the love of Hordak, what is it now?_

"What is it?" Catra forced a smile.

"Remember what we talked about yesterday? Those outbursts? I heard that you attacked Scorpia too." Catra felt her claws come out. It was an automatic reaction whenever she felt stressed or emotional.

"Glimmer." Catra sighed. "I'm...sorry, alright?"

"Why are you doing this? I know old habits die hard, but, the war is over and there's nobody trying to hurt you. Despite everything. Things could be so much worse for you, Catra, I hope you know that."

"You think I'm doing this on purpose."

"What else am I supposed to think?" Glimmer grabbed her staff. "I have a lot of work to do today. I better not hear about any further incidents, or there will be consequences. I don't care what Adora says." Catra watched the young queen exit the room. She had no idea how to explain herself. Nobody trusted her enough to believe what was really happening. The only person she knew would vouch for her was currently out in space. She was alone. No allies, no friends. Just the darkness and her memories that seemed to weigh heavier by the day.

_I wish you were here, Adora._

Catra wandered the castle, feeling purposeless in this new life on the "good side" she was apparently on. It seemed everyone had a job to do, a place in this world, besides her. She just drifted from room to room and watched life happen without her. Even Frosta, who was just a child, had a whole kingdom to run on her own, and seemed to do a decent job at it. Shadow Weaver was right. She was useless and a disappointment.

_"Catra..." She squirmed in her guardian's grip. She wished that she was stronger, and not so tiny. Tears formed in her eyes. She tried to hold back her emotion. All she had wanted to do was play with Adora. She was being punished for it. Again. "What have I told you?!?"_

_"P-please stop." The young girl gasped. "It h-hurts!" She was bleeding by the time Shadow Weaver tossed her to the floor. Catra wanted to cry, but she would never show that kind of weakness, not in front of Shadow Weaver. "I'm sorry." She whimpered and tried to get up. Shadow Weaver moved to kick her, but Hordak's annoyed voice called her away to other duties. Saved by the demon. It took all her strength to get up and stumble her way back to her room that she shared with Adora. Her throat hurt and she could barely breathe._

_"Adora!" Catra wailed, finally letting her tears flow. Her best and only friend came running over with bandages and rags. This was routine by now. Catra gets hurt, Adora comes to the rescue. One benefit to Adora being the favorite is no one ever suspected her when it came to missing medical supplies. Usually it ended up being Kyle's fault. He could afford to take the blame._

_"I'm here!" Adora clambered onto the bed and tended to Catra's wounds. "It's gonna be okay. I promise."_

Catra felt at some of the scars Shadow Weaver had left behind. Sometimes the wounds still felt fresh. Sometimes she didn't think about them at all. She leaned against the wall and sighed, wishing more than ever that her human first aid kit was home. But of course, she wasn't, and Catra was all alone.


End file.
